So I’m trying without much luck to date – as a grown-up, rational adult. With other grown-up, rational, responsible adults, no less.
It’s way way way harder to do than you might suspect. (Add a few dozen more ‘way’s to that number and you’ll get a more accurate picture, actually.)
Or else I have:
- impossibly high standards
- might want to consider lowering the bar just a wee bit, or
- have a frighteningly unrealistic view of the world in which I live in here in Portland, Oregon
(Don’t feel like you have to weigh in to point out how All of The Above is probably the most accurate POV here, ok? I get it already, as a Woman of a Certain Maturity.)
But to be brutally honest – while I’m oh-so-good at preaching the ‘avoid the toxic’ gospel in every other aspect of my life, I fail miserably when I try to hold myself to that self-proclaimed ‘impossibly high standards’ standard when I first start seeing someone.
Why? If I continue along in the ‘brutally honest’ vein, I think it’s a self-esteem thing that’s been nurtured and fed during the years I was obese, out-of-shape, and otherwise miserable with myself. If you don’t believe you deserve better – then you’re not going to stand up for yourself to get treated better – are you? Nope.
- So the guy who calls & wants you to drop everything to come have a drink with him in an hour? I rearranged my schedule to make it happen.
- The guy who would ask me to ‘pick up a bottle of wine’ on my way over to his place? I’d not only do so (and pay for it), but ask him what kind of wine he’d prefer.
- The guy who’d not call for weeks at a time – but expect you to be happy to hear from him once he deigned to finally call you? I was chirpy & positive in a frightenly nauseating way. (Seriously scary, that whole ‘chirpy’ shit…)
So here’s the thing I need to constantly remember – if you’re willing to be treated like a doormat from the very beginning, most people will be more than happy to oblige you.
As one of the guys above referenced once in a telling conversation w/me – “I’m a good-looking guy! Woman are happy to have me hanging around & want to buy me drinks, right?” I’m happy to say that it was the last conversation I’ve had with that particular gentleman – but it came after buying at least 1-2 bottles of wine waiting vainly for the expected reciprocity before I finally saw the light.
Your best bet? Don’t tolerate being treated like a doormat.
Right from the very beginning.
(Now, to start chanting this 50 times a day while doing my nightly yoga practice already…)