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“You are NOT doing your job!”
By Betsy Richter | 12:18 pmMy daughter Drama Mama has been going through a rough time lately. Of course, her dad and I are working together to get her the support she needs – including the therapist she enthusiastically requested once I explained the concept of a ‘thinking doctor’ to her.
So far, DM loves visiting her – and we’re all now looking at a variety of options for my impulsive, disorganized, mercurial child. But one program the therapist asked us to put in place when we met with her last was to make my daughter responsible for herself in the morning.
Instead of me lecturing and hectoring and cajoling and/or nudging her into getting out of the house on time, well – she gets to write out a list for herself. She’s responsible for accomplishing everything on the list. And – save for a reminder every now and then – I get to sit back and wait for her to tell me it’s time for us to leave.
We talked about consequences – if she’s late for school, she has to go in to the office and check in, and it’s marked as an unexcused tardy. Which means she misses recess that day, among other things. And since the child adores recess – well, she’s got incentive, right?
At first, she snapped right into the program. Commandeered her small portable whiteboard, wrote out her list of things to do each day (with some assistance from me), and enthusiastically checked off each item when she finished.
But as the days progressed, her enthusiasm waned a bit. And today, she hit the wall.
When she finally realized at 8:50 this am that we were 1. still at home and 2. the final bell had rung five minutes ago, she started crying. “Mom, I don’t like this!” And I explained to her that I didn’t like it much, either – I don’t like being late for work myself, and it’s really hard for me to muzzle my impulse to nudge her along every few minutes. But that we’d all agreed to this new approach, so we’re going to stick to the program. Maybe tonight, we can work on some approaches to make it easier tomorrow?
That didn’t go over well – so she stomped out of the house, flounced into the car, and sulked all the way to school (with her coat on inside-out, no less.)
When we parked outside of school, I offered to accompany her into the office if she wanted – but I refused to be the one to explain why she was late. And that proved to be the straw that broke the camel’s back for DM. Once we went back out into the hallway, she barked this at me:
MoOOOOM! You are NOT doing your job, you know!
And she continued to mumble and grumble all the way to her classroom (where I warned the teacher that I was now depositing a Very Cranky Child on him, sorry.)
Ah, darling – but I am. Doing my job here, that is.
No matter how much it might pain all of us in the days to come (and I’m quite sure it will, oh yes I am…!)
Topics: Drama Mama | 8 Comments »
November 28th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
Sigh. I feel your pain both as the mother of a disorganized child and as a teacher! :)
November 28th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
I need to try that whiteboard thing. Neither of my daughters, much to my chagrin, can motivate themselves in the morning and they’re both well past the age that they should be able to.
Thanks for the inspiration!
November 29th, 2007 at 6:03 am
I read this and felt your pain and laughed at the same time. It toggled memories of my daughter, scampering out the door at the last moment and forever forgetting her homework. I’d get the call from the school secretary first to ensure she was calling her mother… And one day I heard that familiar request for me to bring her homework to her. It had been a big project too!! Then, that very familiar “MooOOoom..” You know, sounds akin to a cow?
I told her she’d have to come home and get it. “But, the bell is going to ring in five minutes!” So, I calmly suggested she better start running! Then the secretary called.. maybe it was the teacher? And said she wished more parents would do that… make their children responsible. It’s not the easiest way.. I wish you well, along with a ton of patience and a sense of humor!
November 29th, 2007 at 8:28 am
Goodness, I do believe that the mind of my son ahs been transported into your DM’s body! We had an almost identical scene play out a couple of weeks ago. If only they knew how hard it is to NOT nag them along some days. Keep up the good work!
November 29th, 2007 at 9:35 am
Behold! A miracle!
So I talked to DM last night about how to make today a better morning. We set up her brother’s old Nickelodeon alarm clock for her. And when it went off (at a time she set for herself), she came in bed with me for an early-morning snuggle and review of the day’s agenda.
The child then rewrote out her white board, snapped to deal with everything on the list without any interference from me, and was ready 45 minutes early – so had 45 minutes of free play time.
Hallelujah! And – I’m sure it won’t last.
November 29th, 2007 at 2:06 pm
oooh, been here! Drama Mama and Diva Girl are definitely soul sisters.
Late for work isn’t an option for me and neither is missing the school bus since I don’t have a car, so I DO chivy in the mornings. Homework, however? So NOT my responsibility. I’ll help explain a concept if asked, but I will not be in charge of the doing of the homework. And if that means someone gets in trouble for not having her work done? Not my problem.
But definitely my job to make sure she understands the concepts of responsibility and consequences, and one that I’m confident I’m doing, even as she assures me that I’m not.
November 29th, 2007 at 4:11 pm
Gee, that’s too bad. I loved to go to school. Is that passe’
December 1st, 2007 at 10:06 am
Hang in there Mom! You are doing your job — and quite well, it sounds like. Having those discussions about responsibility starting now when the consequences are (relatively) small, will make it so much easier in a few more years when the consequences for poor choices become larger. And also makes it (a little) easier to say “not my problem” when faced with drama like… oh… “I haven’t managed to make enough money for the trip I want to quit work to take, so buy the ticket to Brazil for me.”